Wednesday, January 2, 2013

AND YOU? – The Two Most Important Words in Conversation

Years ago, my wife opened my eyes to a fascinating social phenomenon. We’ve come to refer to it as the “And you? factor.” It’s something that happens whenever people get together, whether they’re relating experiences, catching up on news or just engaging in small talk. It’s our measure of one person’s ability to show an interest in another, and to share, rather than monopolize, a conversation.

Like so many observations, once you witness the And you? factor for the first time, you become sensitized to it, and from that moment on you can’t miss it. In fact, as my wife and I sometimes do, you might wish you’d never noticed it in the first place. Let’s just say it will change the way you look at people and conversation.

Did so-and-so ask you anything about you? 

When we leave a meeting, a party or even some family events, one of us usually will ask the other, “Did so-and-so ask you anything about you?” At least 90 percent of the time the answer is no, so-and-so talked only about herself. “What’s more,” the account continues, “if I did manage to interject a word or two of my experiences or ideas, she simply snatched the conversation back to her own agenda.”

Here’s a typical example. On a recent trip to Mexico, I spent two weeks at a Spanish language school with a group of people from all over the U.S. Most of us didn’t spend time together during the day, but one night we all went out for dinner together. I sat next to a 40-something man (I’ll call him Bill) and enjoyed a warm, spirited conversation along with the fine dinner.

Turns out Bill’s a pretty interesting guy. But on the ride home from the restaurant I asked myself (since my wife wasn’t there) about that conversation, and whether Bill had scored any “And you?s” Sure enough, I could tell you all about Bill’s family, his work, his home, his hobbies and where he’d traveled. For God’s sake, I even knew what his wife’s work and hobbies were!

If he knew more than my first name, it would 
have to have been through some kind of ESP. 

So, after our couple of hours together, what did Bill know of me and my life? If it was more than my first name, it would have to have been through some kind of ESP.

Like Bill, many of these people are bright, well educated and from families in which one would presume they’d learned all the basic social graces. It utterly baffles me how this one courtesy—this simplest device of stopping one’s own monologue once in a while to ask “And you?...”, listen for a while and then perhaps ask a question or two—could have escaped about two-thirds of the people I’ve ever met.

What all of this leads me to is that people, like most things in Nature, hold many wonders to be discovered with a minimal investment of attention, curiosity and patience. Here, too, there are layers to be looked under, details to be appreciated, dim recesses to be illuminated. And, now and then, you might find some delightful surprises.

People—even those who go on and on about their accomplishments, social connections, travels and pet peeves—rarely reveal much of substance about themselves. At least not voluntarily. While I can’t pretend to be very good at drawing people out, my wife surely is. What I’m able to do with discovery in the natural world, she does with people.

If you aren’t curious about the person you’re talking with, you’re not giving them the chance 
to surprise or delight you. 

She observes keenly, looks for an opening and then, skillfully (almost always tactfully), tries to peel back the loose layers of a person’s modesty or embarrassment, and often finds a core of real interest or passion. Part of her success stems from her ability to see herself in the other person’s shoes: “If I were she, what would I enjoy talking about?” My wife, generous person that she is, knows how to let other people shine their light.

I’m taking lessons from the master, though I must admit I still enjoy talking about myself a bit too much. And, to be perfectly honest, sometimes I’m just not interested in the other person. But I’ve found that, when I do make the effort to draw someone out, it’s nearly always rewarding for both of us.

They get to share their essence with me and, more often than not, their passion will kindle mine. The point is—just as with discoveries about places and things—if you aren’t curious about the person you’re talking with, you’re not giving them the chance to surprise or delight you.

Now, I suppose one could say that my wife’s and my failure to get in a word edgewise in these “conversations” is just that, our failure. After all, when we opt to ask more than tell, aren’t we choosing not to share our story when we have the chance? The key word here is “chance.”

Wouldn’t anyone rather share something they care about because they were asked? Is having to interrupt the other person's lecture really the way you want to express yourself? Are my wife and I the only ones to have been raised with the understanding that boasting—not to mention monopolizing a conversation—is rude?

Might people actually think of their self-absorbed monologues as acts of generosity, as giving something of themselves?

Perhaps part of the problem lies in perceptions. Could it be that people actually think of their self-absorbed monologues as acts of generosity, as giving something of themselves? Maybe. But I beg to differ. I see it as taking, for in any conversation there are just three resources in play: time, attention and energy.

When you ask someone about their world, their life, you’re giving them your share of those assets. When you talk just about yourself, you take theirs. At the end of the day, it takes neither an expert on manners nor a psychologist to know that conversation works best when there’s give and take.

                                                  <->     <->     <->

Might the And you? factor be yet one more symptom of the plague of narcissism, competitiveness and loss of civility our culture has so clearly suffered over the past few decades? It’s worth pondering. If so, it worries and saddens me. I think we can do better. What do you think?

But enough about me. Let’s talk about you; what do you think 
about me? ~ From the 1988 film, Beaches -- adapted from the novel of the same name
 by Iris Rainer Dart


sue in mexico mo said...

Hi, Jeff! How are you doing? As always, I enjoyed your blog today. I am going to watch for the "And You's" as I go about my life this week. Should be interesting. . .

Jeffrey Willius said...

Hi Sue -- Thanks for the nice feedback on my latest post. You may be sorry you started noticing all the folks out there who are tellers, never askers! I'm sure many of the culprits don't even know they're doing it. I even catch myself doing it, especially now that my book is catching on and people expect me to know something! ;-)
Are you going to Zihua with your friends this winter/spring?

Robin Easton said...

I LOVE this, dear Jeffrey, more than I could ever express here. I am currently writing about this very topic. I have always preferred more Presence and less Presentation. Most people never really Listen with the conscious intent to See and Experience another human being...and even another Way of Being. They are not really in a state of Deep Presence, but instead are up in their heads rapidly churning away, analyzing, judging, focused on all THEIR beliefs, frantically trying to find the opening where they can push out everything inside them in 'reply.'

Most humans do not shut that 'activity' off and simply breathe deeply, let go of their own Agenda, and humbly, curiously, tenderly Be With a fellow human being. Most of us go into our interactions with a fully loaded Agenda, and as a result, that is ALL we see. Often our Agenda is a defense against real, honest, and beautifully intimate communication and healing.

When we do NOT just Listen in Deep Presence and are all about Presentation of our own beliefs, Agenda, judgments, assumptions, analysis, etc. we sadly NEVER see or experience the other person. We see ONLY ourselves and whatever beliefs, agendas, judgments we might have. Even more tragic, we never allow ourselves to expand our awareness and experience of Life, and expand our intelligence and vastness as a living soul. We lose insight into other ways of being, thinking, processing, loving, healing, and so on. We stay trapped in a very tiny world view.

I feel we are capable of much more. I know we are, if we can just put the brakes on, Breathe so Deeply, sit back, and momentarily let go of our loaded Agenda. This does not mean we cannot have our own Way of Being, but it does mean we allow ourselves and others to each be unique and with our OWN Way of Being. It allows the birth of a more real and intimate communication or interaction. It allow us to embrace the astounding Fullness of Life.

For myself, I have always felt that that the more expanded my thinking, feeling, and experience...the more intelligent and alive I become. It is an exciting process.

Thank you, dear friend. I really enjoyed this.

PS: For some reason I still do not get your posts in my email. LOL :) I will have to try to sign up again. Still hoping. :) Lol So good to read and feel you here. Roby

Jeffrey Willius said...

Hey Roby -- Thanks, for your thoughtful comment. This obviously resonates with you. I have no doubt a face-to-face conversation with you would be a true sharing, with both telling and asking. Sorry you're not getting word of my posts via email. I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest other than trying again. (I don't think Blogger is the most sophisticated blogging platform...but it sure is easy...and free! :-)

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